Stealth Magnolia

If you grew up in the 50′s, this was the anthem for the PERFECT Christmas Season. And if you survived the 60′s to ’10′s, the reality may have set in….be careful what you wish for. This is the funniest tribute to snow I’ve ever read, so let me take you through the steps…h/t to a Southerner Moving North…..

JAN 10 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first snow of the season and

the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered

rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,

clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the

landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a

beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and

loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city

snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved

back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has

dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.

Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of

the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon

became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both

cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but

nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get

to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of

damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit

last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in

store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our

property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,

which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the

flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my

eyelashes and eyebrows. 4×4 slid on the ice on the way to the

emergency-room and was totaled.

Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin’ white shit keeps coming down. Have to put

all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin’ mailbox. If I ever

catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew open his

chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits

to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part

of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin’ inches of fuckin’ snow and fuckin’

sleet, fuckin’ ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin’

shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin’ snowplow asshole with an ice

axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going

snowblind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More

snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin’ degrees. I’m moving back to

Florida!