Fade in. Chaotic supermarket parking lot, strewn with bodies in aftermath of shooting spree. Amid lights and sirens, a bearded man in black windbreaker and sunglasses ducks under the yellow police tape.
Sir — sir! Please remain behind the cordon. This is an active crime scene investigation.
KRUGMAN (flashes New York Times OpEd badge)
I know. Krugman, CSI. This is my partner Lt. Matthews.
Who’s in charge here? And where are the donuts?
He’s over there sir — Sheriff Dupnik. He’s in charge of the donuts, too.
Krugman and Matthews cross the parking lot, deftly stepping over sheet-covered corpses
Krugman. Matthews. I was wondering when you two would get here. We’ve already booked a perp. Cruller?
No thanks, I’ll take those two bear claws though.
What do you got with white icing? And what do you got on the perp?
White male, 22, close cropped hair. Goes by the name of ‘Lucidfer Matrix Dreambrain.’ Another typical college Republican.
CSI DETECTIVE MARKOS “KOS” MOULITSAS
Captain! Captain Krugman! I think you should see this.
On the asphalt outside supermarket, the CSI squad gathers around a spilled bag of groceries outlined in chalk.
Good work rookie. Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Crouching down, Krugman picks up a box of Lipton tea bags with the tip of his pencil.
KRUGMAN (whipping off sunglasses)
If I know my demand curves, I’d say our young Republican wasn’t acting alone.
Cue opening credit sequence
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