“If You Voted for Obama, We Don’t Want Your Business, You’re Too Damn Stupid to Own Firearms”
Category Archives: ViralEmailFun
Democratic National Convention Schedule Leaked
Obama rehearsing his acceptance speech.
Democratic National Convention Schedule
4:00 PM – Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM – Singing of “God Damn America” led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM – Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM – Ceremonial ‘I hate America ‘ led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM – Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire – Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM –Al Sharpton Leads Castrati Choir in Singing “Great Balls of Fire”
5:00 PM – UFO Abduction Survival – Joe Biden
5:30 PM – Eliot Spitzer Speaks on “Family Values” via Satellite
5:45 PM – Tribute to All 57 States
6:00 PM – Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM – Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM – Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM – Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo – Michael Moore
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar – Charlie Rangle
10:00 PM – Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners
10:30 PM – Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for IRAQ , & Afghanistan
11:00 PM – Obama Energy Plan Symposium
/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM – Free Gov. Blagovitch rally
11:30 PM – Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM – Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fishes – Obama Presiding
12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher
12:01 AM – Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM – Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM – Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech
Note: There is one omission in the list above — Memorial recognition of Obama’s surrogate son, Trayvon, will be in conjunction with the 12:05 AM event.
Filed under Political Snark, ViralEmailFun
Media Snark, Because They’ve Earned It !
Gotta love the viral email when they make you LOL 🙂
A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her
jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her
screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits
the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the
biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter
has watched the whole event.The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant
and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a
journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front
page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you
have?’The biker replies, “ I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican .”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news
of his actions, and reads, on the front page:“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
… and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days ..
Sent via “Skip”
Comments Off on Media Snark, Because They’ve Earned It !
Filed under Heroes and Hypocrites, Old Creepy Media, ViralEmailFun
The Annual “A Southerner Moves Up North” and Winter Months Kick-Off
NSFW, but this never gets old. I left the naughty words in, because without them, it was a boring rant. You’ve been warned 😉
The origin is from a viral email many years ago from a Florida friend who truly misses the changes of season, but probably not the Northeast winters. On a related note, don’t miss BOB’s Mercury Falling
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH
JAN 10 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first snow of the season and
the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shoveled it again.
Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get
to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of
damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows. 4×4 slid on the ice on the way to the
emergency-room and was totaled.
Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin’ white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin’ mailbox. If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin’ inches of fuckin’ snow and fuckin’
sleet, fuckin’ ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin’
shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin’ snowplow asshole with an ice
axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going
snowblind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More
snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin’ degrees. I’m moving back to
Florida!
Filed under Shiny Objects, ViralEmailFun
Happy Easter, Welcome Spring !
From my friend Nancy in Florida…..
All I need to know
I learned from the Easter Bunny!
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There’s no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people’s jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else’s basket.
To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.
AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!
Happy Easter!
Filed under ViralEmailFun
Viral Email: A Southerner Moves North
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH…caution: spicy language 🙂
JAN 10 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first snow of the season and
the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shoveled it again.
Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get
to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of
damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows. 4×4 slid on the ice on the way to the
emergency-room and was totaled.
Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin’ white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin’ mailbox. If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin’ inches of fuckin’ snow and fuckin’
sleet, fuckin’ ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin’
shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin’ snowplow asshole with an ice
axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going
snowblind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More
snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin’ degrees. I’m moving back to
Florida!
Filed under ViralEmailFun
Teaching Practical and Useful Math Skills in California
Happy New Year: California has 725 new laws! Surely, there’s something applicable on the list for education? There should be!
California schools are finally starting to teach practical math skills that students can use in real-life situations:
1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne’s $800/day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
5. Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4′s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10K for his brother’s bail?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. They be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also got a boa constrictor that eat 5 rats a week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week’s income?
10. Marvin steals Juan’s skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he get whacked?
h/t violet at The Honey Trail: Starting the New Year with Fireworks and Funnies
Comments Off on Teaching Practical and Useful Math Skills in California
Filed under Political Snark, ViralEmailFun
TSA Bumper Stickers
These are funny, but not as funny as the fact they were sent to me by a friend who’s a……TSA agent 😉 Safe travels.
from email
Filed under Shiny Objects, ViralEmailFun
CHEERS! Our Tax System Explained With Drinks At A Bar (so even Cliff Clavin can understand) (via HillBuzz.org)
Yay for Bar Stool Economics!
via HillBuzz.org
Filed under New Media, ViralEmailFun
Stealth Magnolia 