NSFW, but this never gets old. I left the naughty words in, because without them, it was a boring rant. You’ve been warned š
The origin is from a viral email many years ago from a Florida friend who truly misses the changes of season, but probably not the Northeast winters. On a related note, don’t miss BOB’s Mercury Falling
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH
JAN 10 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first snow of the season and
the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shoveled it again.
Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get
to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of
damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More fuckin’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows. 4×4 slid on the ice on the way to the
emergency-room and was totaled.
Jan 16 Goddamn mother fuckin’ white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
all the clothes on we own just to get to the fuckin’ mailbox. If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17 Six goddamn more fuckin’ inches of fuckin’ snow and fuckin’
sleet, fuckin’ ice and goddamn knows what other kind of white fuckin’
shit fell last night. I wounded the fuckin’ snowplow asshole with an ice
axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going
snowblind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More
snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 fuckin’ degrees. I’m moving back to
Florida!
Stealth Magnolia 